Who needs an Adam?
THE BACKBONE OF THE SOCIETY IS THE FAMILY.
*Disclaimer: this is my thought, it is my experience, and I know there are a million variables. Take it in, let it percolate and then live your life the one you are experiencing.
Atom, the basic and fundamental building block of matter and chemistry. All things are foundational, nothing can survive without them. Made up of a nucleus with a group of electrons orbiting around them. From this tiny definition I have learned so much about biblical marriage.
In the book of Genesis, the Lord is described as doing the work of the universe in 6 days and resting on the 7th. He Created the earth for man placing on it all things for their good. Toward the completion and in my humble opinion, saving his best creation for last; he created man and named him ADAM. From his rib he brought forth Eve to be a help meet to Adam. Later in the story after some learning curves, Adam and Eve are sent from the garden to then be on their own with only intermittent guidance of God, as they ask for his help in all things in which they were instructed. This is where it gets interesting for me, Adam and Eve were given explicit instruction in roles and tasks that they will now undertake in their new adventure. Even in the garden Adam was given the task of dress and keep the earth, or in our language, take care of the environment and all that is given for your good. In the garden Eve was to be a companion and helper. Later, and in the real world, Adam is now to till and bring forth fruit from his own toil and sweat, Eve to bear children, and together to multiply and populate the earth. I knew this story all of my life but have never paid much attention to it until my husband died. On that day a realization was brewing that while it would not be fully realized for about a decade. Once fully exposed it would have profound effects on my feelings and ideas about and surrounding marriage and its purposes and my realization that God preserved all of these stories so that we would be benefitted by the original template vs our own understandings.
While my husband was alive, I did many things with him. We renovated a house, raised a family, became educated and got really great employment. I learned how to landscape, plaster, rebuild, demo and design a beautiful home with very little money. I learned to garden and can and meal plan and educate kids. My husband worked for our money, took care of our cars, took out the garbage, made major purchases and major carpentry and plumbing and electrical. He learned all of that on his own as he was an only child with no instruction in any of these skills. Life was good, busy and stable. We were happy and had other interests individually but managed to get everything done. This was my life in the “David” years. My post David years was all of the above without David, that thought was daunting. I knew this EVE needed another Adam. Unfortunately, unlike Eve of old, I got to choose from the millions, and I chose wrong. My second marriage was devoid of any partnership or help. It was lacking in vision, goals or frankly, energy. So, what I feared the most, having to do it alone, was exactly what I was left to do, but now with supervision and criticism. My husband Shaun was lazy, undereducated and addicted to food, TV and truth be told he had no concept of the need for “EVE” other than to outwardly make him socially acceptable. Point is I was now alone in a marriage to do everything by myself with a partner at my side. Divorce soon followed. Returning to our metaphor of the ATOM; this created a vacuum in his orbiting electrons and he filled that position immediately. On I went, alone again. The theme of the day, “WHO NEEDS an ADAM”? Turns out we all do, well if you are a female (otherwise you need an Eve). We cannot change the place of the atom in creation and so it seems, nor in the creation and maintenance of the family.
First came the inevitable merry go round of dating men who all had their own ideas and agendas in the end result of this process, most of it for the pursuit of sexual Olympics. It was exhausting, frustrating and in many ways a college education in all that can go wrong when things get out of order. I had a wonderful time and met a lot of great people who were either right for me at the wrong time or wrong for me all of the time. In all of it, no real support, so, I became impervious to need. Easier it felt, than being disappointed or bitter. So, I became chief cook, bottle washer, window washer, mechanic, gardener cook and worked full time. And all the while the right relationship eluded me. I became very able to see what was wrong within 7 months of dating, so consequently, no relationship survived beyond that time frame. I now had no need of an ADAM. I knew I wanted the home and the family and the fun and security, but it seemed so complicated with my family and how to fit others in. I had a relationship with a great man, but he had never been married, never had children and his world view was one devoid of reality of families. I had children, grandchildren and I could not just decide they did not exist. Another relationship with a man who could not get over the dead husband. In his mind he could not compete. Sometimes it was financial, other times it was about children, sometimes about logistics, all in all, complicated.
Realization to the truth. All of the truth.
This year will be 24 years since my husband died. As I was starting yet another job, suffering exhaustion, dealing with real adult child health issues and needs, I found myself staring at my garden in depression. Looking out into a yard that is filled, FILLED with weeds. I started in the front yard, pulling weeds and crying from the overwhelm. I still had loads of laundry and dishes waiting. I could really use a husband I thought. Then it hit me, in my situation, all of my married friends would be free to take care of the sick child without all of these other worries. I had no Adam to till or dress my garden. I had no guarantee of an income to secure my needs. I had no support in my task to nurture and care for the children I had born, and it was making me very different than what I was meant to be. My feelings and realities could be captured in a quote from one of my favorite movies where a man asks his ex-wife, “you can run a marathon and build a business, design a kitchen but who will hold you while you do all of it” and her reply (and mine) “not big on my list of priorities these days”. I finished the front and back yards, went my daughter while she was sick, nursed her back to health, moved her household from one place to another and placed everything where it was to go, walked the dogs and when the crisis was over I returned to see that my yard was again filled with weeds. In addition, a fence needed to be replaced and a job that ended abruptly. Who needs an ADAM? Me. I need one.
An ADAM is the central part of the foundation of the family. His Eve and the children they are blessed with are their little electrons and they together provide the foundation of all of the life that will make us all that we are meant to be. From my porch to yours, find your Adam or Eve, and build. You will be better and happier than you ever will be alone. You will meet your full potential and be all that you were meant to be. Just choose wisely, preferably from the front porch!